Monday, January 23, 2012

Tonight's Weigh-In! Success Or Not?!?!?

      Tonight was my big night, weigh-in night!!  Did I finally see the fruits of my hard work the past 2 weeks on the scale?!?! Or was I once again devastated??  Well the answer is, the scale FINALLY cooperated with me!!! I lost 7 lbs. this week!!! I was confident going in tonight that I had lost, because according to my scale I had lost. I just was not sure how much because I had not compared my home scale to the WW scale. I was thinking I had lost 3 lbs. so when she told me 7 lbs. I said "Really??" What a good feeling to see the numbers move in agreement to my hard work and perseverance!! It has given me the boost to STAY on track!!! I want all of you to know that I will NOT expect such a large loss each week. I know this loss is not typical. I will be happy with any loss from this day forward! I will stick to the program no matter what the scale says. I will NOT quit this time!   There was a motto spoken tonight in the meeting that I will be hanging onto. 
 That motto is: "It's CHOICE NOT chance that determines your success!!!" 

I am CHOOSING to change the way I eat.
I am CHOOSING to eat mindfully and not thoughtlessly.
I am CHOOSING to stay on the road toward good health.
I am CHOOSING to be vulnerable and say, " I need help. I cannot do this alone!"
I am CHOOSING to allow myself success.
I am CHOOSING to hold myself accountable for my choices.
I am making CHOICES that will help me succeed!! 

     Again I say Thank You to everyone who has checked in with me today and tonight to see how I made out!! You are all helping me to realize that I DO matter. I have spent too many years telling myself I do not matter. I am not important. I will always be fat. I am TURNING those A.N.T's OFF!!  Time to speak positive things to myself!!

     I WILL succeed!! It will not be a fast journey. It will not always be a happy journey. It will likely be quite a messy journey. But it is MY journey that WILL continue for the rest of my life. A life I plan to direct toward health, self worth, confidence and strong faith. Thank you for taking this journey with me!!!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Down But Not Out, Broken But Not Defeated!!

      Down But Not Out, Broken But Not Defeated!! It me took until Thursday to finally feel this way, BUT I got there!! And I got there while totally staying on the WW program. In the past when I get knocked down like I did last Monday night at weigh in, I would QUIT!! I would use that disappointment as a reason to be defeated. A reason to give up on me yet again. This time I was very, very down and withdrew myself from as much human interaction as I could for 2 days, BUT I ate right and journaled everything!!  I was not able to get my body moving though. No exercise for me is not a good thing, but food is definitely my biggest hurdle. Sticking to a healthy eating plan through the emotional week I had, I call a HUGE SUCCESS!!!  So here I am giving myself a pat on the back!!  I hope you do not mind!!

      Historically I have felt alone each time I embark on this challenge of losing weight. I feel like I am the only one beating myself down with tons of A.N.T's, also known as Automatic Negative Thoughts. Feeling alone would allow me a reason to quit. I no longer feel alone!! Actually, I have been quite overwhelmed once again by the support I have gotten from so many people through this blog, facebook and friends. I have gotten phone calls and messages from many with words of support and encouragement.   I have had tears in my eyes realizing that I am not the only one struggling through challenges right now.

       I am thankful to those of you who shared your stories with me to encourage me. I feel so blessed to have so many people cheering me on and wanting to see me succeed!!!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Not What I Expected!

   Well tonight was my first weigh-in at Weight Watchers and it definitely did NOT go the way I expected it to go. I am so incredibly frustrated, disappointed, angry and depressed. I followed the WW program completely this week. I stayed within my points EVERYDAY! I only used half of the additional weekly points allowance I had. I exercised 3 days for at least 30 min. I drank TONS of water. AND I STILL GAINED WEIGHT!!!!   WTF??....Is ALL I have to say.

    I got off the scale and looked in my book and was COMPLETELY dumbfounded to see a .2 gain written in there. I KNOW .2 is NOT a lot, but I fully expected a LOSS. I sat down and had to work REALLY hard to hold back the tears. Then I wanted to run out the door and go home. The only reason I did not is because my friend Loretta was there with me. She had nothing but encouraging things to say, but I still played the words over and over in my head...."I am a failure!" Then awards are given out and someone lost 11 lbs in 2 weeks....I wanted that to be me! Actually that WAS me when I did WW in 2006. I just do not know what I did wrong??? The leader said, "If you follow your points you WILL lose weight!" So again I am left with my thought of WTF??

     A big part of me wants to quit.I left the meeting and immediately went on a binge. I went to a drive-thru and ate crap. BUT after I ate it I went into my points tracker and logged it ALL in. So I guess deep down I do NOT want to quit. I just NEED SOME success. I need something to say good job working the program here is a 1 or 2 lb loss for you. Is that SO much to ask?? I mean how is it that I do EVERYTHING the program says and I STILL gain?? I am NOT lying AT ALL!!  I was ON PROGRAM ALL WEEK. I do not know what happened.

    Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up ready to go and work the program again?!?! Right now I am not 100% sure that will happen! 

    WHY does this have to be SO difficult?!?!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Humbled and Thankful!!

  Last night when I composed my first post I debated with myself about going "public" with this blog. First I was going to choose who I told about it. Then I thought about not telling anyone about it. I mean I did put myself in quite a vulnerable position with the information I included.  I seriously considered keeping it private. Then I realized how will can this blog help me be accountable if no one knows it exists??!  I then decided to post the link on my FB page and see where it goes. Well I have to say I have had tears in my eyes all day as I read ALL the wonderful, encouraging, supportive and positive words so many of you posted!!  I believe all of you will have a BIG part in helping me succeed!! I thank God for each of you and I hope you will continue to follow my journey and keep sending encouraging words my way!!

Day 1=Success!!!

    So as I sit down at the conclusion of my first day on this journey toward health I can honestly say today was a great success. I was not hungry at all today because I chose helathy foods that are filling and have staying power, plus I drank water ALL day long!! I also had breakfast which is something I typically skip. Amazing how much better I feel when I eat breakfast!! I KNOW everyday will NOT be this "easy!" I know I will have days where I struggle and even backslide, but my goal is to get right back on program when this happens. I cannot quit if I have a bad day as I have done in the past!! If I keep reminding myself I am hoping it sinks in!! :-)
   I also went to the gym and worked out for 35 min. It felt so good to get my body moving!! I am planning to go to the gym again tomorrow as long as my body agrees with me!!

Monday, January 9, 2012

About Me & My New Journey

     I have never been a writer. I typically get stuck on what to write, does it sound ok, does it make sense etc. But this blog is really going to be a way to help me document a new journey I am embarking on. My journey is to health. Why do I need to move toward health? Well simply said I am obese.
    I have never been skinny. As a matter of fact the thinnest I ever remember is size 11. That was back when I was in high school.I have always had a distorted body image. When I was a size 12 I thought I was fat. As I had children and gained weight I never really saw just how large I was getting. Today I am....yep, I am putting in on here.....I am 263lbs and a size 22. Wow, what a personal thing to put on a blog, BUT I am hoping this give me accountability and is the beginning of watching those numbers drop.
     What is my plan to move toward health you may be asking? Well I recently got a part-time job at a gym and a free membership is included. So "get moving" is part one! My goal is to begin with 3 days a week. I know it does not sound like a lot, but I have to start slow. I have this horrible habit of being an all or nothing person. So if I set my goal too high and fail to reach it I will quit. Stupid I know, but it is what I do!
      Part 2 begins tomorrow....tonight I joined Weight Watchers. A few years back I had a lot of success with WW so I decided to return! I am looking forward to the accountability of weighing in each week and the positive reinforcement the meetings provide. Monday's are meeting nights so I am also going to plan on posting to this blog every Monday night at the very least.
      Part 3 will be the BIGGEST challenge for me. It is to allow myself to succeed. My self-esteem has never been great, but in the past 3 years or so it has dropped to a new low. My hope and prayer is that I can get to a place where I realize I deserve to be happy and healthy.
     So tomorrow I begin my 2 biggest changes.....visit the gym and eat within the limits set by WW. It is all about being intentional. I will get moving with the intention of getting healthy!! I will Eat with the intention of losing weight to get healthy.
     I truly hope every Monday there will be LESS of me making the blog entry!!!   Thanks for coming along with me on this Journey to Health!!